The strangest things keep happening to me in the wee hours of my Saturday nights. Or maybe it's a Stir after-effect; the two events don't seem related, but I must admit, there is a correlation between attending Stir and later being whisked into some alternate universe (for clarification, I am not talking about drug use).

My last post referenced my spur-of-the-moment abduction to the fair province of Ontario, a caper which began when I arrived home at 3AM and had me on a plane 9 hrs later. This time, however, the events began to unfold at about 1:30 and ran through pretty well all the useable hours of Sunday as well.

On this occasion, I had apparently begun to gain confidence in my cooking skills after not poisoning anyone at my uncle's place. So I thought, what could be better than inviting my dear, happily coupled friends Jonny and Chantal over for some supper, a movie, and a visit before hitting up Stir at Riverwood? And so that's just what we did. That evening, after arriving home from a great evening of fun and fellowship, or kith and cup, as Stir was entitled, I do what I often do when I shouldn't and signed onto MSN. I was soon greeted by a barrage of guilt-tripping and (what I thought were idle) threats by one of those EisBrenner folks- you know, the funny-looking one? Blonde, needs a haircut? Apparently David and his side-kick Jeremy were quite offended that I had left them out of the evening's festivities (despite having plans and maybe even lives of their own) and decided that they would no longer suffer the insult!

Alright, assigning blame where blame is due, I may have baited them. However, I was quite surprised at 2AM to hear the sound of cans or snow-chunks hitting my windows (apparently the dumpster outside my window is good for more than just aesthetics) and to open my blinds to the giddy faces of the dangerous duo themselves, David and Jeremy.

They had come to inflict on me what I call punishment and they call "Constructive Redemptive Measures", and some would call torture... namely, to sit me through several episodes of the strangest cartoon ever created, Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law. Between Birdman and the joy that is watching my closed-circuit security network (don't judge me- it's funner than it sounds! Though no less creepy...) many hours passed. And many more. Eventually David crashed. Stupidly, Jeremy and I did not, but rather stayed awake, riveted to the sight of my front door.

At some point morning officially came, and then what was there to do but to make breakfast? And then, really, it's quite difficult to make church when you're in such a sleep-deprived state. So that plan went out the window. Time marched on, and with the help of coffee I became rejuvenated enough to not kick those crazy boys out until they'd had some supper, which made them happy 'cause they got the leftovers from the affair that started this all. And then finally, we realized we had things to do and places to be (well, not me, because I was already at home and it was Sunday evening already). And so, 20 hours later, the boys headed their separate ways, and there was peace. There was quiet. There was exhaustion. And then Kelly crashed.

Whatever imagined offense I committed, I'm nearly positive I've paid my dues. And, as usual, I've contrived a short list of "life lessons" that we can all glean from yet another Kelly spectacle, in an attempt to make my messy and unconventional life have meaning.

Things we can all learn from this:

1. Don't enter into playful banter with people on MSN unless you know them very, very well and can predict their actions and responses reasonably and consistently. If not, they may show up at your door at unthinkable hours and you will spend the next 20 hours getting to know them very, very well.

2. Even if you think that your actions in life are perfectly justified and can be well-understood by any reasonable other, just remember: not all others are reasonable. Take precautions accordingly.

3. If you're going to have unexpected visitors at 2AM, you're DEFINITELY going to need a closed-circuit security camera!

4. If weird things like this ever happen to you- call me. I will be of absolutely no use in terms of prevention techniques, or strategies for stray boy removal, but I will definitely be able to commiserate! Plus, I am never one to judge.

Well, it was, as some lame movie says, "surreal but nice" to have Jeremy and David over for such a long time. Actually, they're pretty fun guys, once you get past their inexplicable love for Birdman (and each other)- hanging with them was quite the experience. And now, ideally, they'll be off my back for some time now, until they perceive some other offense that I'm sure I'll commit against them in the near future. But hey- don't worry about me. I've got a closed-circuit security channel and I know how to use it!