She is worth far more than rubies...
~~~~~~~~~~~

Innocence. Simplicity. Purity of heart. What is it? Have I lost it? Or do I have it still? Is it worth all the work? And do these amazing, solid guys really exist out there- the ones your Sunday School teachers tell you about, the ones who value it, who know it when they see it? The ones whose taste in women extends beyond style and beauty into character and spirit? (Well, obviously there are, as I just spoke the aforementioned scenario confirmed, but are there any who are single? Call me!)

Just kidding. However, I'm sure I've eliminated all possibilities of any flattering February phone calls, as I've just let you all in on the shallow and petty illogic that goes on inside my mind- entertaining, for the briefest, tiniest moments, the idea that spiritual maturity could be just one great quality to list on my "hubby-hunting" resume. Oh, sin. We're dumb that way.

Alright. Back to the point. The REAL point.

The crappy feeling of waking up to find that my values and standards have become far more transitory than I'd wanted to believe, and holding one's ground in this world is no simple task. Wherever I go in life, it seems each new social group I meet aims to set a new "standard" for what is right; what is acceptable, what is cool, and more importantly, what is unacceptable, what is uncool. And slowly, but surely, I can bend myself slightly to become someone slightly different, still me, but this time a little harder, a little wittier or coarser, a little less vulnerable.

Why do we try so hard to harden ourselves? Why do we see jaded, street-wise pessimism as desirable? You know why? Because we've stuck our necks out and been "soft" before, and it didn't go well.

However, the Path that we are on demands something entirely different of us. Openness, softness, and vulnerability. If you can't handle it, run while you still can. I know people who are running hard and fast right now because standing still would "feel so stupid". And that's their prerogative- It's their life. But it may be the death of them.

Are there still those out there who care about what is Godly? Are we those people? Are we living like that? Or have I, have you, have we slipped into the most convenient compromise we can lay our hands on, sometimes slowly, sometimes easily, but always under the delusion that it will be "worth it".

Hmmm... I'm sounding preachy. I don't mean to. Obviously, the only reason I'm writing about this is because it's been on my own heart and mind. I've changed so much since high school, the days of Russell and my home church. Some changes, I think, have been good. But have others hindered more than they've helped? In my attempts to learn and to grow, have I become more worldly, more compromised, and more jaded? Has all this change really brought me no closer to my heart's Desire?

Yes, there is more to life than Sunday School answers. Questions and doubts, challenges and ideas are good, everyone tells us, but what people forget to mention is that what lies on the other side of them is of utmost importance- the answers that you find. The conclusions that you reach. In all our searching out of answers, meaning, and "ourselves", it all ultimately boils down to what we find. Who we find, and to Whom we run to to seek solace when we find that we have still found nothing at all.

We're kidding ourselves sometimes. We seek such grand ideas, such lofty lifestyles, when in reality, there is nothing more profound than this- to know Him and to be known by Him. To lay aside foolish postulating and to instead search within ourselves not for answers, but for faith. To search the heart of Someone Else and sink in deep into His words, His mandates, and His views, and not our own for once. It could not be more "worth it".

Once we get over ourselves we realize that there is nothing better. There has never been.

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge;
Fools despise wisdom and instruction.